Thursday, December 17, 2009

Your kid annoys me...

I have kids. Like most parents, I think my kids are pretty amazing. There is a distinct difference in me and many parents (that I encounter) - I live in REALITY. You see, even though I think my kids are pretty amazing, I also think that my kids can be really annoying. Every kid on earth has the opportunity to be really annoying, on many levels, on many occasions and it is up to me, and others as parents, to STOP THAT SHIT, immediately.

We went to see Santa last night. This year, the mall did this wonderful new trick where they no longer take reservations to see Santa - you just have to wait in line, for an hour and a half. With no benches. No wi-fi. No fountain to drown yourself in......

We had the option to go see a different Santa, however, THIS is OUR Santa. We've sat on this man's lap for the past 12 years, there was no chance I wanted to find a new Santa. It would totally mess up our entire photo collection. So, we waited.

Hunk offered to let me take the kids to dinner and he would hold our spot. I didn't take him up on that offer because I feared for the kid behind us. In the 1 and a half minutes that they had been behind us in line, the kid had bumped, rammed or otherwise touched me 5 times. I DO NOT like to be touched. I was on the verge of losing my cool, and let's just say that when it comes to obnoxious kids I am about 8 million times more patient than Hunk. I stayed for the safety of that kid.

When I get in a line, I strategically stop well before I get close to the folks in front of me. I don't like to be crowed, I don't like to be touched by strangers and I have limited patience for ignoramous people. I compensate for my known issues and I leave a buffer zone. The people behind us were reasonably buffered, for about 10 minutes, then they began to "inch". I have no earthly idea why people in a line must "inch" - especially when the line is NOT moving. See, Santa was away on his dinner break so we were just standing there, and yet people continued to "inch" forward as if it were going to help them get to Santa faster. By the time we reached the 45 minute mark the people behind us were literally rubbing up against me with every breath they took. I was seriously on the verge of a break down. But, I had my buffer in the front. I saved at least 3 feet between me and the people before I scooted up a little. They CONTINUED to "inch". There was no escaping these people behind me and their obnoxious kid.

And it wasn't just them - it was a myriad of obnoxious kids. I don't understand how people let their children act so utterly annoying in public. There was a kiosk next to use where you could print off a coupon for your photos, well since there wasn't any entertainment for those kids waiting in line lots of kids thought the kiosk was a great thing to play with. In an hour and a half we waited there were about 6-8 kids who managed to print off about 856 coupons, and only to leave them in a pile on the floor. WTH? I realize that little kids need to be occupied, but here's a newsflash - you are going to WAIT IN LINE for Santa, what part of that shit does a parent not understand? Hello?! Bring a bag of tricks, a DS, a book, WHATEVER it takes. There has never been a Santa without a line, do you people not watch movies??????? Have you ever been to see Santa?????? There is ALWAYS a line!

The icing on the cake is that the obnoxious kids have such pathetic parents. It literally makes me ill to hear a parent giving their child exactly what they want when the kid is being a total douche. I want to kick the parents in the shins who have no balls to tell their kid to cool it.

But, hey, we got to see Santa. And the 30 seconds we spent with him were totally worth the 90 minutes of excruciating agony spent with your annoying kid shoving his face in my crack. And then we were treated to a wallet assassination by the photo people. MERRY CHRISTMAS!