Help a Girl

I've come to realize that my low self esteem is due largely in part to a high school relationship. I spent 3 years with a boy who continually degraded me and ended up eventually crushing my heart. The thing I can't realize is why I stayed. I read about women who are abused both physically and emotionally and wonder sometimes why they don't just leave, what man is worth it? In a way though, that was me. It was not worth it and I knew it, but I stayed with him, why?? I won't go into specifics on the relationship because the very thought of this man is not worth my time. He totally sucks and I hate him with every ounce of my being.

I pray for my daughters and the men that they will encounter in their lives. It makes me sick to think that they will spend even one second of their time on a low life man that will destroy any part of them. Sadly it has already started for my 10 year old and I have such a hard time relating to her how to handle it. I don't think I know how to handle it. I hit the world's biggest jackpot in college when I met my now husband and I'm certain that there is not another man on this earth that can measure up to him in the way he treats me. I got so lucky, I believe that if I had not met him and had continued in the relationship that I was in at the time I would be a statistic and would be one of those women that I am wondering about right now. I love my husband, he is utterly and completely my true love and I respect him more than I can say.

Red has tons of friends, everyone she meets is her friend and that includes tons of boys. Boys can be mean (so can girls), but there's one boy in particular that they liked each other and then had a falling out. The boy spent the rest of 3rd grade being horrible to my child, with insults, teasing, you name it. It infuriated me to no end and the school counselor's advice was to put all of the responsibility on my child. Instead of the school taking up issue with the boy my little girl is told that when someone hurts her feeling she should use her "I" messages. "When you say that I feel.....blah blah blah".

I do see the benefit in my child saying how she feels and letting other people know when they hurt her, but I want to see retrobution (is that the word?). I want to see the boy take some blame for what he is doing to my girl!! Come on!! I fully believe that women should take responsibility and do what they can to make a situation better, but I also say let's string up the stupid boys by their toes and make them hurt!!

It all boils down to this - I really think that I hate men. I believe that there are two men on this earth that I would ever trust, my husband and my dad. This is an issue that I struggle with everyday, with men that I encounter. I don't want to be this way, but I have been the victim of a long string of men that have degraded me, used me and killed my spirit. I don't want my girls to think this way because at times it consumes me. I am trying to be better. I do want to make sure that my girls are equipped to kick these types of guys to the curb without a thought - that is one of my big hurdles and I'm trying to figure out the best approach.

I'm trying..

"When we screw up, we have an opportunity to teach our children that humans make mistakes. We can ask for forgiveness. We can do better in the future and hope that, when our children become parents themselves, they will have learned that we don't have to be perfect to be lovable and that forgiveness is a gift that heals."

I read this today and thought about how I self righteously proclaimed myself better than Alec Baldwin as a parent. Or at least not as bad.....when the truth be told I have probably made my children feel insignificant on more than one occasion. I usually have an opinion when I get to observe someone else fail at something, deep in the back of my head I think of ways that I could have done it better than them - what I should do is to observe and learn. I have been given more than my fair share of opportunity to learn from my own mistakes and sometimes I do, but more often than not I brush over the fact that my failure was somehow caused by some outside force. What I'm working on is to see my faults and to accept them and to try to make better what bothers me the most. My failures are MY fault and not the cause of someone else's mistakes. Why is that so hard to accept?

I feel so defeated sometimes, like I can't keep it all going - the house, the business, the kids, the various things I've gotten myself into doing. When will I get a break? I feel like I have so much crushing down on me at times and I take out my frustration on those who are around me. I'm crabby or impatient or just withdrawn. Mostly those around me are my kids and then I feel like a crappy mom. I'm starting to notice that when I get impatient with my kids if I really and truly step back and take a look at the situation the problem is my attitude. I have a choice as to how I handle mishaps, arguments, even successes and joys. They are just kids and I so often forget that. I expect WAY too much out of my 10 year old, but in my defense, she has shown me in so many ways how capable she truly is. She has an amazing personality and is such a truly compassionate person. She understands so much and when she acts like she's 10 I want to lose my head.

I remember 10 years ago in the hospital after I had just had my daughter and I was exhausted and excited and then I started to get scared. I thought to myself - WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? Thoughts were racing through my mind about the responsibility that I had just brought upon myself for the next 18 years and beyond. My child was taken away to NICU (she had strep) amidst my worry I realized the fact that I was a mom - me, a mom. It was so overwhelming and so unbelievable and I thought to myself I CAN'T DO THIS, what have I gotten myself into?

I still think those thoughts at times, that I can't do this. I feel like a kid playing house and I'm hoping that the real adults will come in and take over soon. But I am the adult, and as Lynyrd Skynryd reminds me

"dont you worry... you'll find yourself.
Follow you heart and nothing else.
And you can do this if you try."

So I'm trying, and hopefully my kids will be better moms for all of my shortcomings.

Don't Worry

Spontaneity is one of my better traits. I absolutely HATE to have my life planned out and if everything is planned out I go into this paralysis of effort sort of behavior. It's like I will do ANYTHING except for what I should be doing, just for the sake of not doing it. Then I get all behind on work and the house and I go postal because I'm stressed out. OK, maybe it isn't one of my better traits after all. But in the end, I think I like people like me a lot. I remember dating my husband and going on family vacation with his mom, dad & brother. They are VERY planned people and in order to go to the restroom we could only stop at the very rest area which they have always gone to. So I'm ready to pee in my pants and I ask them to pull off at the next exit so I can find like a BP or something and his mom shoots me with daggers of ice, "we will stop where we always stop at the rest area in whatevertown, I'm sure you can make it". And then she gives me the fake smile that I still love to this day (not!).

Years later when mother in law was travelling with us we stopped off whenever and wherever we felt like it - pee forthcoming or not. She actually made a comment, "I have never stopped on a trip so much, this is fun!" and I'm thinking - DUHH! Loosen' up!! She is the type that will literally take the clothing off of my children so that she can make sure that ALL the laundry is done. She actually knows how many minutes it takes for the dryer to cut off so she can go right in there and fold/hang everything. It is of my opinon that the dryer is an extra closet, isn't it?? I know that she does little things in particular because she wants to impress other people, that I just don't get.

My wish for the world is that people would just chill out. Honestly is it worth it to spend so much of your life worrying - and I particularly mean worrying about what other people think? Who gives a crap what they think. My house is a wreck and I'll pick it up when I feel like it, not because it is cleaning day or because you may drop by, because if you change the way you think about me because my couch pillows are on the floor then I'm definately going to change the way I think about you!