Monday, April 23, 2007

I'm trying..

"When we screw up, we have an opportunity to teach our children that humans make mistakes. We can ask for forgiveness. We can do better in the future and hope that, when our children become parents themselves, they will have learned that we don't have to be perfect to be lovable and that forgiveness is a gift that heals."

I read this today and thought about how I self righteously proclaimed myself better than Alec Baldwin as a parent. Or at least not as bad.....when the truth be told I have probably made my children feel insignificant on more than one occasion. I usually have an opinion when I get to observe someone else fail at something, deep in the back of my head I think of ways that I could have done it better than them - what I should do is to observe and learn. I have been given more than my fair share of opportunity to learn from my own mistakes and sometimes I do, but more often than not I brush over the fact that my failure was somehow caused by some outside force. What I'm working on is to see my faults and to accept them and to try to make better what bothers me the most. My failures are MY fault and not the cause of someone else's mistakes. Why is that so hard to accept?

I feel so defeated sometimes, like I can't keep it all going - the house, the business, the kids, the various things I've gotten myself into doing. When will I get a break? I feel like I have so much crushing down on me at times and I take out my frustration on those who are around me. I'm crabby or impatient or just withdrawn. Mostly those around me are my kids and then I feel like a crappy mom. I'm starting to notice that when I get impatient with my kids if I really and truly step back and take a look at the situation the problem is my attitude. I have a choice as to how I handle mishaps, arguments, even successes and joys. They are just kids and I so often forget that. I expect WAY too much out of my 10 year old, but in my defense, she has shown me in so many ways how capable she truly is. She has an amazing personality and is such a truly compassionate person. She understands so much and when she acts like she's 10 I want to lose my head.

I remember 10 years ago in the hospital after I had just had my daughter and I was exhausted and excited and then I started to get scared. I thought to myself - WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? Thoughts were racing through my mind about the responsibility that I had just brought upon myself for the next 18 years and beyond. My child was taken away to NICU (she had strep) amidst my worry I realized the fact that I was a mom - me, a mom. It was so overwhelming and so unbelievable and I thought to myself I CAN'T DO THIS, what have I gotten myself into?

I still think those thoughts at times, that I can't do this. I feel like a kid playing house and I'm hoping that the real adults will come in and take over soon. But I am the adult, and as Lynyrd Skynryd reminds me

"dont you worry... you'll find yourself.
Follow you heart and nothing else.
And you can do this if you try."

So I'm trying, and hopefully my kids will be better moms for all of my shortcomings.