Wednesday, March 26, 2008


Yesterday, March 25, was a very significant day for me. First and foremost it was the birthday of my first child. Not to steal her thunder, but the day represents my hard work and I believe that mothers should get presents on their kids birthdays, but that is another blog line for another day......

Memories of 11 years ago came flooding back as we celebrated her special day. I remember the significant range of feelings I experienced in a short amount of time. The excitement of knowing it was going to happen finally!, the anticipation of seeing this little person who's been kicking me for months, the utter FEAR of the unknown (I skipped childbirth class), the stress of not knowing what was about to happen to me, the embarrassment of a host of people looking up my ass (I'm a VERY private type), the exhaustion, then the PAIN (which, no, I haven't forgotten), the relief that I survived, the JOY and the LOVE that washed over at the sight of my child and then the panic of realization that she was not OKAY, the fright, the worry and the confusion of not understanding what was wrong with her (turns out she had Strep in her blood, a serious condition, but she ended up fine), the turmoil of having her whisked away, not to be touched again for 3 days!!, the shock of realization that I AM A PARENT, what have I done??!!, the admiration of my partner in a new light - he's a DAD, and the finalization of happiness and satisfaction that I AM A MOM and I've done something wonderful with my partner and she's beautiful and will no doubt be the light of the world. WHEW, what a day....

Yesterday was also a very significant day as someone very significant in my life made me feel more INSIGNIFICANT than I have ever felt in my life. You think you know someone and then in one instance a person can surprise you like never before. Anger can rear it's ugly head and cause an otherwise sane and gentle person to become a monster. Someone who I love and who I thought I understood has disappointed me to the n'th degree. The range of feelings I experienced yesterday from this were, at first, my own anger at the reaction I received from him. The reality of the situation was that he was mad at something else completely and he full on unloaded it on me. And in a horrible and ugly way. And not in private. And now I feel completely small and insignificant. You see, I get mad and I get mad pretty often. I don't have a lot of patience for the plethora of stupid and inconsiderate people that I manage to interact with on a daily basis. YES, I can act bitchy about it, but to a degree I can realize who caused the anger and definately WHO DID NOT. I also have a huge feeling about private discussions, and I believe that there is a time and a place for disagreement and it is not while other people are around that are not involved. If you want to piss me off to no end, then please try to argue with me in public - I'm likely to rip your head off. Not really, I'm likely to get as far away from you as possible and continue the discussion later, in private. At any rate, I was treated like I never thought I would be treated, and in public no less. I would not stand for it in private, however, in public just drives the nail all the way through for me. I have been humiliated.

I want to be angry, but I just can't. I'm just not sure what I feel, but it is horrible. I have no idea how to rectify this situation and while he realizes that what went down was bad and should not have happened, I don't feel like he understands how horrible I feel it was. There have been a few opportunities to discuss this since yesterday and he hasn't taken any of them. I just feel so upset that this has not been addressed, while I know he realizes it was bad, wouldn't anyone want to fix it?? If I screwed up that bad, I couldn't sleep until I rectified it. How is it that you think you know someone, a friend of so many years, and you just.really.don't? How is it that you think someone knows how you tick, someone who's been there for so long, and they just.really.don't?

It was a joyous day - HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANS!! And pathetic day, I feel like a nothing to someone whom I thought I was important to.